Beginner
Craw Baby
$0 / month
- Intro consult with Craw
- Business Hours Access
- Access to 1 Craw Club special event per month
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Membership Tiers
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Most Festive
Craw Craw
$0 / month (covered by pure chaos)
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Elite
Craw Daddy
$0 / month
Craw or be crawed. You've been warned.
- VIP access to Mistletoe Mobility Lab
- Personalized playlist of remixed holiday bangers at 150 bpm
- Lifetime bragging rights & honorary membership card
Craw's Class Schedule
Times are approximate. Vibes are not.
| Time | Class | Description | Intensity |
|---|---|---|---|
| 6:00 AM | Jingle Bell HIIT | 30 minutes of chaos, 30 minutes of laying on the mat rethinking everything. | 🦞🦞🦞 |
| 10:00 AM | Holiday Market Cardio | Simulation of weaving through crowds while holding too many bags. | 🦞🦞 |
| 2:00 PM | Cookie Curl Power Hour | Bicep curls alternated with cookie tray curls. Spotter not included. | 🦞🦞🦞🦞 |
| 7:00 PM | Candlelit Stretch & Scream | Gentle mobility plus a cathartic seasonal yell into the void. | 🦞 |
Member Testimonials
100% of surveyed participants reported "living therefore, cheerfully, although there be no lasting joy in mortal things, whose substance is evanescent, inane, and vacuous.”
“I will never forget the moment Craw shifted the cig to his left hand and whipped out the stylus. I appreciate the Banach Tarski video but they have nothing on Prof Craw” — S. Fortier
“Elvis is dead. Sinatra is dead. And ME I feel also not so good” — C. Anders, Hat
“The bags are all like 40 pounds so I have never needed craws home gym more 😂’” — A. McClain, pre-international field travel